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You could easily become a bum…
© Brad Neely
Posted on January 18, 2010
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Ways to bathe
You might believe body odor is part of the hobo uniform, and to a certain extent it is, but believe it or not you really are allowed to have a shred of self respect and clean yourself. Keep in mind, however, that getting too clean will work against you and make you appear un-homeless if you smell fantastic. Luckily your options are limited and your life style is grimy so you’ll have no choice but to hold on to just enough hobo musk to make the sale.
I can already hear some of you barking through 9 teeth mouths “We have no choice but to smell like baby mess! There’s no way to bathe out here!” and you are as wrong as you are disgusting to hug.
Let’s review the methods available to the modern day hobo:
How about a fucking shower?
Let’s face it, if you’re at a computer reading this you’re probably a fauxbo. You’re a part time hobo with a home so there’s no excuse to smell like a raped chimichanga. You’ve played your hand entirely too strong. Shame on you. Get in your shower, use the soap, return to responsibility.
Rain
Believe it or not water falls from the sky every now and then. You might also be interested to know that this stuff is a key component to the bathing process. Rain is a fine way to wash away the bigger pieces of filth that grow on the human form so instead of taking shelter, stand in the middle of a school yard naked next time it rains.
Park fountains
Unlike rain, fountains are a more controlled delivery method of water. Rain is too spontaneous and makes it hard to plan a bath. You likely don’t walk around with a bar of soap in your pocket so the rain leaves you with wet dog syndrome. You trade a horrible smell for a newer, slightly lesser one.
With a fountain you have time to plan your bath. You know it’s there so you can run out and get soap without worrying about fountains going away. Now before you can start crying about soap shut up, it’s something like 35 cents a bar. If you’re a frugal hobo simply fill a coffee cup from the trash with hand soap from a local public restroom.
Sand
Some creatures can’t use water to bathe so they adapt. Take the chinchilla for example. They bathe themselves by rolling around in dust which absorbs any grime that may have gotten onto their dense fur. You can be a chinchilla too! Dust won’t work for you though, you need something to scrub away those years of neglect. Sand is gritty enough to rub off the top few layers of skin if you roll around in it really fast, thus removing the dirt on those layers. So go to a playground, remove the children from the sandbox, and start rolling like a burn victim.
*It is very important to remove the children first
There you have it. It’s not so hard afterall, you’re just really lazy! Don’t be afraid to mix and match methods to maximize effect. You can even create you’re very own techniques, isn’t that exciting! Just remember not to over do it. No one will believe you’re homeless if you’re a tower of sex. Just do enough to stop smelling like piss and masturbation.Posted on January 14, 2010
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Use your imagination to your advantage.
You can be the most popular, wealthiest, and handsome hobo in the world! … in your own mind. After you have yourself convinced you will find that you are now looking down on people with confidence just like everyone else.
Posted on September 6, 2009
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Your glass is half empty
Get used to it.
Posted on September 5, 2009 with 1 note
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Get a job
People have been saying it to hobos since the beginning of time. Get a job. But no one cares to offer suggestions, do they? Rather than give you change, a CEO for some computer company will tell you to get a job like the rest of us. But where? He won’t hire you. You can’t be a doctor or a teacher either. Flipping burgers isn’t even an option because you’re a walking biohazard. So what exactly are you qualified for?
Prostitution
Some people are either really down on their luck or they have shitty friends. Either way, you can easily sell your body for sex. You have a hole, you have a pole, all you need is a price. Your best bet is to hang out near bars on weekends. People walk out of there wasted and see a dream like you, it’s a done deal.Babysitting
Parents always have a hard time finding baby sitters when they want to go out. The problem is people have plans of their own, hate children, or will certainly ruin your home with fire, sex, or malice. But hobos are loyal. Hobo babysitters are very popular. No one talks about it though because it sounds really irresponsible, and it is, but where else are people going to find someone to watch the kids for just 38 cents? Next to the highway, that’s where!Dog Walking
Dog walking is right up there with babysitting. Like kids, no one likes taking care of their pets. They like owning them, petting them, making them wear preposterous sweaters, but when it comes time to take the dog out the love is replaced with racism. Again, that’s where you come in. Not only can you take the dogs for a walk but you can provide a place for them to piss if trees aren’t available. Let’s face it, you already smell like piss anyway.Sperm Donation
The common hobo rubs away over a million dollars a day! It’s time to start cashing in. Stop doing that in a coffee cup and start doing it in a sample cup. The next time someone tell you to get a job you can proudly say you do have one and you’re working overtime.It’s important to keep your dirty eyes open to new and exciting job opportunities. Things like being a body guard, a taste tester, one of the knights at Medieval Times, you can have any job you want…as long as you set your sights really low.
Posted on August 21, 2009
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Use every part of your kill
Let’s assume for a second that you followed the advice in the post called ‘kill’. You’ve killed someone and you were lucky enough to not get caught. What do you do now? Some would suggest leaving the body and running but hobo native americans would have much better advice. They didn’t like to waste anything. Animal skins became clothing, bones became weapons, inside pieces became dinner. The only difference between you and native americans is your buffalo is a man who walked down the wrong alley.
The obvious option here is to eat your prey but that still leaves a pretty good percentage of human. Remember, you have no possessions. Why waste this golden opportunity to gain a few? Let’s start from the outside in and learn what can be created from people pieces!
Skin
If indians taught us anything, it’s that skin makes clothes. Luckily for you humans are shaped like shirts and pants already. You just have to cut off the parts that aren’t. Be mindful of the drying process though. Shrinkage will occur so try and kill someone at least two pant sizes bigger than you. It should be noted that baby skin can’t be used without an extensive amount of work. (don’t kill babies!!!)Muscle
This is the part you eat. Unlike skin use, you should try and kill someone two pant sizes smaller than you to ensure a good meat to fat ratio. It’s been recorded that the taste of human is close to that of veal. At least your desperation will be rewarded with a high quality dinner. Much like animals, younger meat means tastier meat. (again, don’t go near babies!!!!)Organs
I’m sure you’ve heard of the black market by now. Take those organs on over to the first creepy van you find and you can earn yourself tens of dollars a day! If you prefer to stick to the plan laid out by the indians you can continue making clothing as well. Stomachs make fine hats and tongues are pretty good for…tongues. If you go the black market route, always remember a live baby is more valuable than any of the alternate forms. (dude…seriously. How are you even finding babies?)Bones
If the indians taught us anything else, it’s that bones make badass weapons. If you sharpen a thigh bone you get a dagger. If you tie the forearm bones together you get nunchucks. If you you put the toe bones in a sock you get a sock that hurts like a bitch when you slap someone in the eye with it. Bones aren’t just good for weapons, skulls make fine cereal bowls. Be creative! (don’t even think about it, baby bones are soft and useless. Give it back.)Feel free to mix and match. Indians didn’t get to where they are today by playing it safe. Experimentation and improvisation are key. Let your creative juices flow!
*Editor’s note: some of these tips might actually be useful on animals too.
Posted on August 16, 2009 with 1 note
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Tune your instrument
You’re broke, your guitar isn’t.
Posted on August 11, 2009 with 1 note
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Keep it short
I swear to God, if you hobos don’t knock it off with the long stories with plot twists and lies I will punch you in the ballsack! You know exactly who you are, you inconsiderate son of a bitch. You start out innocent enough asking for the time or for directions and for your politeness you are rewarded with assistance. But to reward our kindness you waste our day with tales of the impossible. Example:
“Do you happen to know the time? Cool thanks OH LISTEN! I just got out of prison and it’s my daughter’s birthday. I have gangrene, a headache, and herpe-syphyl-aids. You’ve got nice shoes, I had a pair like that once. But listen…do you like massages? Cuz there’s a place in New Jersey and those girls do eeeeeeeverything! They got spanish girls! They got black girls! You white boys like asian girls and they gots them too! So I need $20 to get to Jersey, can you help me out?”
I paraphrased greatly but you get the idea. STOP. DOING. THAT. You can’t even spell gangrene. Hell, I probably even spelled it wrong. And herpe-syphyl-aids isn’t even a real word. If your target doesn’t buy the story, reiterating the key elements won’t change anyone’s mind so stop doing that too. If you look at the example above and think about what you’re truly trying to accomplish you can boil it down to the following story:
“Can you spare some change?”
See what I did there? I took out all the parts that earn you a kick to the gallbladder and left al the parts that will earn you a fistful of nickels. You can thank me by never telling me another story ever again. And in return, I’ll stop karate chopping you in the throat.Posted on August 11, 2009
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Plays: 47[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
This is part four of a four part series called “Sing you dirty piece of shit!”
Now we have the fourth and final song for your musical arsenal. This is the Dick Cheney of hobo songs. This is the alpha and the omega. This is C Is For Cookie. Singing this song is the same as saying you’re definitely getting change today, because you are! If I heard a hobo singing C Is For Cookie I’d give him everything in my wallet and I’d let him pee on my feet. That’s how god damn magical this song is!
With this, you now know the four most important songs in the hobo world. You’re set for life.
Posted on August 9, 2009 with 1 note
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Plays: 30[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
This is part three of a four part series called “Sing you dirty piece of shit!”
Next up on our list of required hobo songs is Jimmy Crack Corn, also known as Blue Tail Fly. Why is it also called Blue Tail Fly? No idea. Roughly 70% of the song is the phrase ‘Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care’ but apparently some toothless dream wearing burlap decided Blue Tail Fly was more appropriate.
If Skip To My Lou is the shuriken of hobo songs, this is the sweatpants of hobo songs. Just one more song to go and you’ll know every melody you could ever hope to know.
Posted on August 7, 2009 with 1 note
Sometimes hobos get it wrong. It's hard to give a smoking dirty lady your hard earned spare change when you know she's going to buy crack with it. Like all things, the problem starts at home. Let us educate the lost. Jesus did.
Spare some change?
Spare some wisdom?
