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The different flavors of hobos. Which one are you?
Hobos come in different shapes and sizes. You need to be able to identify each type and also know where you fit within the hobo hierarchy. Here’s a list of the most common flavors of hobos:
Fauxbo
The fauxbo is a lover of lies. He sits on one leg to look cripple. He begs for food while eating a cheeseburger. This hobo is no hobo at all. The defining characteristics of a fauxbo are the lack of smell, clean clothing, and the possession of a fucking house. Fauxbos are to be killed on sight.The Standard Hobo
Your standard issue hobo has no special nickname. He’s your every day dirt merchant. Another dirty face in the crowd. They can be found next to lunch carts and conveniencee store doors, riding the subway, or simply walking down the street. The standard hobo can be divided into three sub classes: Stew Builder, Story Teller, and Limb Loser. All three sub classes can be easily identified by appearance, actions, or missing limbs.Beast Master
Beast masters are chosen by day sleepers to watch over hobo pets in an effort to provide a backup form of protection while they sleep. Beast masters are easily spotted by their ownership of a greasy dog. The dog may look emaciated and kind, but he is the opposite of both and will surely kill you just to prove he can.Day Sleeper
This hobo can be found napping on park benches, between doorways, and under certain cars. The day sleeper will sacrifice the chance to earn money during the day in order to gain the safety of the night. They are the true wandering poor but they are the happiest souls you’ll ever meet.Moleman
The moleman hobo lives underground, usually in subways and sewers. Moleman hobos are blind and have no skin pigment. The most hardcore of the moleman hobos can be spotted by their clothing, which has also lost its pigment. They navigate their domain as bats navigate the nighttime sky, screeching obscenities into the air in an effort to avoid being hit by trains and hobo hunters.Hobo Mystic
Possibly the most dangerous of all hobos, hobo mystics are the physical manifestation of insanity. You’ll often see them with missing clothing, usually a shirt or pants (never both). They walk in crooked lines through parks or down sidewalks yelling sentences made with nothing but verbs. They do not sleep, they do not eat, they do not desire spare change. They were unfortunate enough to be born in the wrong time period, as they would have felt at home facing lions and babies in the early Roman colosseum.The Dazzler
Leader of all hobos, The Dazzler wears no clothing at all, representing the most hardcore of hobo values and poverty. The Dazzler is hand picked by the council of five every 10 years. Once selected, the previous Dazzler is launched into the sun. He keeps order within the hobo community from his boxcar in the sky.Posted on August 5, 2009 with 3 notes
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Plays: 12[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
This is part two of a four part series called “Sing you dirty piece of shit!”
Now that you’ve had time to memorize the last song, Oh Susanna, we’re going to kick it up a notch with a long annoying bastard of a song called Skip To My Lou. Skip To My Lou is the ninja shuriken of hobo songs and I’m not going to explain what that means.
Memorize it well.
Posted on August 5, 2009
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Plays: 27[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
This is part one of a four part series called “Sing you dirty piece of shit!”
Hobos have passed their time by singing the classics for ages. Trains used to be filled with the sweet sweet songs of poor people and there’s no excuse for you to not continue the proud tradition of those who came before you. Every hobo should know four key songs. To not know them is a hobo no no.
Oh Susanna is the first in this series. Listen to the words and study them well.
Posted on August 1, 2009
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Wear Pants
Seriously
Posted on July 29, 2009
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Why hobos are alcoholics: a lesson on your lineage
You are. Don’t argue with me.
Your alcoholism goes all the way back to the time of Jesus. As we all know, Jesus and his apostles were the world’s first hobos. They wandered the land with nothing but their dirty robes and they survived from the charity of others. If there were trains back then they would have been all about jumping onto them and singing Jimmy Cracked Corn, but there were no trains. History has recorded this as the Pre-Train era of mankind.
All of the current hobo traits have been passed down from Jesus and his hobo descendants, including alcoholism. Think about it. A wandering man in dirty robes with no money. That’s a hobo. Jesus was a hobo. Contrary to popular belief, Jesus did pass his seed along. He didn’t do it the normal way with sex, flowers, and dinner. He did it with hobo Jesus magic (miracles if you’re that type of person) and we call those love babies the 12 apostles.
Now for the alcoholism.
We all know about Jesus’ water to wine trick. He did it at some party once and it proves without a doubt that Jesus was black, not white. A white guy would have turned the water into khakis. Only a brother knows how to keep a party going all night. But that wasn’t the only time Jesus used his moonshine spell. In fact, he used it every day. He was poor and his dad told him he was going to be tortured to death, of course he would want to be hammered. And so it was.
When Jesus magic-birthed the apostles, all of his hobo gifts passed to them, including the moonshine spell. His thirst and ability to quench it passed down the line to all hobos since then and for a few decades hobos were at the top of the food chain. But then the bloodline became diluted. Inbreeding became rampant and hobos lost their true selves. The insatiable thirst for booze remained but the skill to make it was long gone. The world was left with mass numbers of thirsty hobos with a bloodline that further diluted itself into becoming the hobos of today. In the back of your mind, you feel the urge to turn your shoes into beer. You know if you were born 1,000 years ago you could. But now you can’t.
And that’s why you’re an alcoholic. Jesus.
Posted on July 28, 2009
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Roaming hobo at night, pedestrian delight.
Roaming hobo at dawn, pedestrian be warned.Stephen HawkingPosted on July 25, 2009
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Hobos will fuck you up!
JesusPosted on July 25, 2009
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Predict the weather
As urban pioneers, hobos have a natural sense when it comes to the weather. That’s why you’ll see a small herd of them laying in a field right before it rains. So why not use your powers for good and actually earn that change, you asshole!
Animals do plenty to hint at upcoming weather through their behavior. Since you’re close in social status to pets, you can easily adjust your behavior to accommodate changes in temperature, humidity, and barometric pressure.
Some fun facts about hobo weather prediction:
- When a hobo sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter
- Hobos tend to stop flying and take refuge at the coast if a storm is coming.
- Hobos often search for higher ground when a large amount of rain is expected. You will often see them in the road during this period.
- Before noah released a dove to see if the flood waters receded, he released a hobo. When it didn’t come back asking for more change, noah knew the waters were still too high and waited three more days.
- Hobos scratch a post before heavy winds.
- If a hobo starts to whine for no reason, you can expect a tornado.
- Hobos sing when the air is hot and dry.
Use these behavioral patterns passed down from your hobo forefathers and you’ll have earned yourself a shiny new hamburger.
Posted on July 25, 2009
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I'm not telling you what to do, but...
Hobos with missing limbs get more money
Posted on July 24, 2009
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A belt made from the heads of your vanquished enemies will ensure an undisturbed nights sleep
Thomas EdisonPosted on July 24, 2009
Sometimes hobos get it wrong. It's hard to give a smoking dirty lady your hard earned spare change when you know she's going to buy crack with it. Like all things, the problem starts at home. Let us educate the lost. Jesus did.
Spare some change?
Spare some wisdom?
