Spare some change?

Spare some wisdom?

• The different flavors of hobos. Which one are you?

  Hobos come in different shapes and sizes. You need to be able to identify each type and also know where you fit within the hobo hierarchy. Here’s a list of the most common flavors of hobos:

  Fauxbo
  The fauxbo is a lover of lies. He sits on one leg to look cripple. He begs for food while eating a cheeseburger. This hobo is no hobo at all. The defining characteristics of a fauxbo are the lack of smell, clean clothing, and the possession of a fucking house. Fauxbos are to be killed on sight.

  The Standard Hobo
  Your standard issue hobo has no special nickname. He’s your every day dirt merchant. Another dirty face in the crowd. They can be found next to lunch carts and conveniencee store doors, riding the subway, or simply walking down the street. The standard hobo can be divided into three sub classes: Stew Builder, Story Teller, and Limb Loser. All three sub classes can be easily identified by appearance, actions, or missing limbs.

  Beast Master
  Beast masters are chosen by day sleepers to watch over hobo pets in an effort to provide a backup form of protection while they sleep. Beast masters are easily spotted by their ownership of a greasy dog. The dog may look emaciated and kind, but he is the opposite of both and will surely kill you just to prove he can.

  Day Sleeper
  This hobo can be found napping on park benches, between doorways, and under certain cars. The day sleeper will sacrifice the chance to earn money during the day in order to gain the safety of the night. They are the true wandering poor but they are the happiest souls you’ll ever meet.

  Moleman
  The moleman hobo lives underground, usually in subways and sewers. Moleman hobos are blind and have no skin pigment. The most hardcore of the moleman hobos can be spotted by their clothing, which has also lost its pigment. They navigate their domain as bats navigate the nighttime sky, screeching obscenities into the air in an effort to avoid being hit by trains and hobo hunters.

  Hobo Mystic
  Possibly the most dangerous of all hobos, hobo mystics are the physical manifestation of insanity. You’ll often see them with missing clothing, usually a shirt or pants (never both). They walk in crooked lines through parks or down sidewalks yelling sentences made with nothing but verbs. They do not sleep, they do not eat, they do not desire spare change. They were unfortunate enough to be born in the wrong time period, as they would have felt at home facing lions and babies in the early Roman colosseum.

  The Dazzler
  Leader of all hobos, The Dazzler wears no clothing at all, representing the most hardcore of hobo values and poverty. The Dazzler is hand picked by the council of five every 10 years. Once selected, the previous Dazzler is launched into the sun. He keeps order within the hobo community from his boxcar in the sky.

  Tagged: hobo types classification behavioral patterns

  Posted on August 5, 2009 with 3 notes

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