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Keep it short
I swear to God, if you hobos don’t knock it off with the long stories with plot twists and lies I will punch you in the ballsack! You know exactly who you are, you inconsiderate son of a bitch. You start out innocent enough asking for the time or for directions and for your politeness you are rewarded with assistance. But to reward our kindness you waste our day with tales of the impossible. Example:
“Do you happen to know the time? Cool thanks OH LISTEN! I just got out of prison and it’s my daughter’s birthday. I have gangrene, a headache, and herpe-syphyl-aids. You’ve got nice shoes, I had a pair like that once. But listen…do you like massages? Cuz there’s a place in New Jersey and those girls do eeeeeeeverything! They got spanish girls! They got black girls! You white boys like asian girls and they gots them too! So I need $20 to get to Jersey, can you help me out?”
I paraphrased greatly but you get the idea. STOP. DOING. THAT. You can’t even spell gangrene. Hell, I probably even spelled it wrong. And herpe-syphyl-aids isn’t even a real word. If your target doesn’t buy the story, reiterating the key elements won’t change anyone’s mind so stop doing that too. If you look at the example above and think about what you’re truly trying to accomplish you can boil it down to the following story:
“Can you spare some change?”
See what I did there? I took out all the parts that earn you a kick to the gallbladder and left al the parts that will earn you a fistful of nickels. You can thank me by never telling me another story ever again. And in return, I’ll stop karate chopping you in the throat.Posted on August 11, 2009
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The different flavors of hobos. Which one are you?
Hobos come in different shapes and sizes. You need to be able to identify each type and also know where you fit within the hobo hierarchy. Here’s a list of the most common flavors of hobos:
Fauxbo
The fauxbo is a lover of lies. He sits on one leg to look cripple. He begs for food while eating a cheeseburger. This hobo is no hobo at all. The defining characteristics of a fauxbo are the lack of smell, clean clothing, and the possession of a fucking house. Fauxbos are to be killed on sight.The Standard Hobo
Your standard issue hobo has no special nickname. He’s your every day dirt merchant. Another dirty face in the crowd. They can be found next to lunch carts and conveniencee store doors, riding the subway, or simply walking down the street. The standard hobo can be divided into three sub classes: Stew Builder, Story Teller, and Limb Loser. All three sub classes can be easily identified by appearance, actions, or missing limbs.Beast Master
Beast masters are chosen by day sleepers to watch over hobo pets in an effort to provide a backup form of protection while they sleep. Beast masters are easily spotted by their ownership of a greasy dog. The dog may look emaciated and kind, but he is the opposite of both and will surely kill you just to prove he can.Day Sleeper
This hobo can be found napping on park benches, between doorways, and under certain cars. The day sleeper will sacrifice the chance to earn money during the day in order to gain the safety of the night. They are the true wandering poor but they are the happiest souls you’ll ever meet.Moleman
The moleman hobo lives underground, usually in subways and sewers. Moleman hobos are blind and have no skin pigment. The most hardcore of the moleman hobos can be spotted by their clothing, which has also lost its pigment. They navigate their domain as bats navigate the nighttime sky, screeching obscenities into the air in an effort to avoid being hit by trains and hobo hunters.Hobo Mystic
Possibly the most dangerous of all hobos, hobo mystics are the physical manifestation of insanity. You’ll often see them with missing clothing, usually a shirt or pants (never both). They walk in crooked lines through parks or down sidewalks yelling sentences made with nothing but verbs. They do not sleep, they do not eat, they do not desire spare change. They were unfortunate enough to be born in the wrong time period, as they would have felt at home facing lions and babies in the early Roman colosseum.The Dazzler
Leader of all hobos, The Dazzler wears no clothing at all, representing the most hardcore of hobo values and poverty. The Dazzler is hand picked by the council of five every 10 years. Once selected, the previous Dazzler is launched into the sun. He keeps order within the hobo community from his boxcar in the sky.Posted on August 5, 2009 with 3 notes
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Wear Pants
Seriously
Posted on July 29, 2009
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Predict the weather
As urban pioneers, hobos have a natural sense when it comes to the weather. That’s why you’ll see a small herd of them laying in a field right before it rains. So why not use your powers for good and actually earn that change, you asshole!
Animals do plenty to hint at upcoming weather through their behavior. Since you’re close in social status to pets, you can easily adjust your behavior to accommodate changes in temperature, humidity, and barometric pressure.
Some fun facts about hobo weather prediction:
- When a hobo sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter
- Hobos tend to stop flying and take refuge at the coast if a storm is coming.
- Hobos often search for higher ground when a large amount of rain is expected. You will often see them in the road during this period.
- Before noah released a dove to see if the flood waters receded, he released a hobo. When it didn’t come back asking for more change, noah knew the waters were still too high and waited three more days.
- Hobos scratch a post before heavy winds.
- If a hobo starts to whine for no reason, you can expect a tornado.
- Hobos sing when the air is hot and dry.
Use these behavioral patterns passed down from your hobo forefathers and you’ll have earned yourself a shiny new hamburger.
Posted on July 25, 2009
Sometimes hobos get it wrong. It's hard to give a smoking dirty lady your hard earned spare change when you know she's going to buy crack with it. Like all things, the problem starts at home. Let us educate the lost. Jesus did.
Spare some change?
Spare some wisdom?
