Spare some change?

Spare some wisdom?

• Use every part of your kill

  Let’s assume for a second that you followed the advice in the post called ‘kill’. You’ve killed someone and you were lucky enough to not get caught. What do you do now? Some would suggest leaving the body and running but hobo native americans would have much better advice. They didn’t like to waste anything. Animal skins became clothing, bones became weapons, inside pieces became dinner. The only difference between you and native americans is your buffalo is a man who walked down the wrong alley.

  The obvious option here is to eat your prey but that still leaves a pretty good percentage of human. Remember, you have no possessions. Why waste this golden opportunity to gain a few? Let’s start from the outside in and learn what can be created from people pieces!

  Skin
  If indians taught us anything, it’s that skin makes clothes. Luckily for you humans are shaped like shirts and pants already. You just have to cut off the parts that aren’t. Be mindful of the drying process though. Shrinkage will occur so try and kill someone at least two pant sizes bigger than you. It should be noted that baby skin can’t be used without an extensive amount of work. (don’t kill babies!!!)

  Muscle
  This is the part you eat. Unlike skin use, you should try and kill someone two pant sizes smaller than you to ensure a good meat to fat ratio. It’s been recorded that the taste of human is close to that of veal. At least your desperation will be rewarded with a high quality dinner. Much like animals, younger meat means tastier meat. (again, don’t go near babies!!!!)

  Organs
  I’m sure you’ve heard of the black market by now. Take those organs on over to the first creepy van you find and you can earn yourself tens of dollars a day! If you prefer to stick to the plan laid out by the indians you can continue making clothing as well. Stomachs make fine hats and tongues are pretty good for…tongues. If you go the black market route, always remember a live baby is more valuable than any of the alternate forms. (dude…seriously. How are you even finding babies?)

  Bones
  If the indians taught us anything else, it’s that bones make badass weapons. If you sharpen a thigh bone you get a dagger. If you tie the forearm bones together you get nunchucks. If you you put the toe bones in a sock you get a sock that hurts like a bitch when you slap someone in the eye with it. Bones aren’t just good for weapons, skulls make fine cereal bowls. Be creative! (don’t even think about it, baby bones are soft and useless. Give it back.)

  Feel free to mix and match. Indians didn’t get to where they are today by playing it safe. Experimentation and improvisation are key. Let your creative juices flow!

  *Editor’s note: some of these tips might actually be useful on animals too.

  Tagged: food clothing weapons native americans

  Posted on August 16, 2009 with 1 note

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