Ways to bathe

You might believe body odor is part of the hobo uniform, and to a certain extent it is, but believe it or not you really are allowed to have a shred of self respect and clean yourself. Keep in mind, however, that getting too clean will work against you and make you appear un-homeless if you smell fantastic. Luckily your options are limited and your life style is grimy so you’ll have no choice but to hold on to just enough hobo musk to make the sale.

I can already hear some of you barking through 9 teeth mouths “We have no choice but to smell like baby mess! There’s no way to bathe out here!” and you are as wrong as you are disgusting to hug.

Let’s review the methods available to the modern day hobo:

How about a fucking shower?
Let’s face it, if you’re at a computer reading this you’re probably a fauxbo. You’re a part time hobo with a home so there’s no excuse to smell like a raped chimichanga. You’ve played your hand entirely too strong. Shame on you. Get in your shower, use the soap, return to responsibility.

Rain
Believe it or not water falls from the sky every now and then. You might also be interested to know that this stuff is a key component to the bathing process. Rain is a fine way to wash away the bigger pieces of filth that grow on the human form so instead of taking shelter, stand in the middle of a school yard naked next time it rains.

Park fountains
Unlike rain, fountains are a more controlled delivery method of water. Rain is too spontaneous and makes it hard to plan a bath. You likely don’t walk around with a bar of soap in your pocket so the rain leaves you with wet dog syndrome. You trade a horrible smell for a newer, slightly lesser one.

With a fountain you have time to plan your bath. You know it’s there so you can run out and get soap without worrying about fountains going away. Now before you can start crying about soap shut up, it’s something like 35 cents a bar. If you’re a frugal hobo simply fill a coffee cup from the trash with hand soap from a local public restroom.

Sand
Some creatures can’t use water to bathe so they adapt. Take the chinchilla for example. They bathe themselves by rolling around in dust which absorbs any grime that may have gotten onto their dense fur. You can be a chinchilla too! Dust won’t work for you though, you need something to scrub away those years of neglect. Sand is gritty enough to rub off the top few layers of skin if you roll around in it really fast, thus removing the dirt on those layers. So go to a playground, remove the children from the sandbox, and start rolling like a burn victim.

*It is very important to remove the children first

There you have it. It’s not so hard afterall, you’re just really lazy! Don’t be afraid to mix and match methods to maximize effect. You can even create you’re very own techniques, isn’t that exciting! Just remember not to over do it. No one will believe you’re homeless if you’re a tower of sex. Just do enough to stop smelling like piss and masturbation.